托福独立写作精批案例

中国学生想要提高应试英文写作能力，首先要找到正确的方向，学会审题和谋篇布局，也就是我们平常所说的“套路”。这是宏观上的问题，可能需要通过上培训班来解决。其次，需要自己练习，并对语言和逻辑进行雕琢。这一点相对困难，上完培训班自己也未必能搞定，这就需要找专业的人士来指出你的问题，并据此思考、总结、再练笔。在此写作训练过程中，细致的批改很重要。

【作文精批内容】

1. 指出语法问题，并修改

2. 指出中式表达问题，并修改

3. 指出语言运用不恰当不地道的地方，并修改

4. 指出文章逻辑方面问题，并给出修改建议

5. 修改内容答疑

TPO37独立写作精批：

【题目】Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Many people nowadays spend too much money on their pets (dogs, cats, or other animals), although there are better uses for this money.

Use specific reasons and exaples to support your answer.

【精批案例】

As time goes by, lots of people live with their pets and seeksome emotional protection【情感保护？中式翻译】 from their pets 话题引入部分单一，建议修改In the wake of modern society, pets are becomingan indispensable part of people’s daily lives. Theyregard their pets as friends or even family members. Therefore, they spend somemoney on the pets. 【两个简单短句思考修改定语从句。且they？人们都话很多钱吗？建议改为Some people spend a lot of money on the pets whichare regarded as their friends or even family members.】But I do not think havethe opposite opinion that people should spend too muchmoney on their pets even though there are better uses for this money. 【此处建议添加承上启下衔接句，如 My reasons and examples are given below.】

Firstly, I agree with 【个人观点在开头段表述清楚，中间段用于说理论证】using money to protect raise pets like buying fancy clothingot orsome delicious food. But I think you should not pay all【题目中也没说花所有钱啊，是过多的钱】 your money on the pets. 【论点问题：这里再次强调了开头段所述主观点，并没有写论点去支撑主观点，建议简明扼要写清楚“除了给宠物花钱，更应该给自己的人际交往花钱“】For example, 【举例子为论点段的第三部分，这里说理论证部分不建议用for example，可以写 On the other words, 之后详细阐述解释论点】sometimes,people want to seek psychologicalcomfort from pets when they experience are confronted with troublein their daily lifeves and seek psychological comfort from the pets and【一句中2个and，到底是什么互为并列？建议将简单句修改为从句如文中修改所示】As a result, they seldom never【从不和家人交流太绝对了，建议改为很少用seldom】try to communicate with their friends orfamily members【family指家庭，和你交流的是家庭成员，加members】. I think those people should get step out【get out含有滚蛋、出走的意思，语境不符，建议改为step out】 of their home and try to hang out with friends. According to aresearch which is done by Harvard University, 75 percent of people eliminate their ownworries by shopping and eating 【and并列的两个动词，时态一致】 delicious food. Therefore, people could use the money to go out enjoy themselves and makemore friends. Also, buying some new clothes can make you adorable and popular.  【买衣服和出门、交友并列吗？建议把买衣服归类为shopping such as ~~~】

Moreover, people could use money to improve themselves【这个论点和上文论点一有重合】. we can go do somephysical exercises to make our body healthier andstronger as well as travel to different countryies 【注意单复数】 to seek experience【文化差异本来就存在，对于个人而言是体验，不是寻找】culture differences. I love【直接用love口语化】 am a big fan of traveling. This isbecause traveling is a kind of activity that are is capable to provide youwith outward looking【拓宽视野有固定句式，建议改为a kind of activity which can broaden our horizonaccordingly】.For example instance 【上文用过example，避免词穷换个词】, once I went to Chiang mMai. 【此处两个简单句建议改为：Taking mytrip to Chiang Mai as an example.】I thought it is amazing【I think 前文用过啦，且显得口语化，建议改为】It amazed me a lot thatthe Thailand food was really 【really口语化，建议改为】extraordinary deliciousand you could eat food from allaround the world, which makes my eye open【中式翻译，建议改为widen my view】. Besides, there are lots of 【哪里都有庙，建议添加local】temples which made me feel the deep culture difference. After thistrip, I know a lot about Thailand and the its own culture.

In conclusion, I believe that 【这里是总结全文，不是阐述观点】people have the ability【本文并不是讨论人们有没有能力支付宠物费用，建议改为choice】to spend money on their pets, but it has a limitation, which meansyou can not put all your efforts to pets but yourself. This is because you liveyour own life and you should always treat yourself better than others 【other指代不明，且比较级三要素 A is better than B in C,这里是哪一方面better？所有方面吗?没有交代清楚】do.

【简评】：

1.形式：

字数：不足，24分以上的作文建议写到400词。所表达的内容较多，举例丰富，这样造成了思考时间过长，一方面会使自己压力大可能写不完，另一方面失去了后面修改作文的机会成本。正如本文，缺少一个中间段。

段落：中间段建议写三个论点段落。分别为：让步段（80词）+论点1（100词）+论点2（100词）

2. 语言：（具体参考文中批注）

有一些搭配、句式、语法错误的现象，以及中式、口语化的表达，具体的已在文中批注标出并给予修改建议。

3. 逻辑（本文最大的问题）

题目中讨论的是“尽管有其他花钱的地方，但是还要花过多的钱在宠物上”。不同意这个观点，那本题就变化为论证“除了给宠物花钱，还有哪些地方值得花钱”。这道题的关键词为“too much money” 和“pet”，同学在论点一将题目改为了all money，写作最基本的要求是紧扣题目，层层递进。

本文写的两个论点均是自己花钱出门，有重复。建议思考多角度。且缺少让步段，逻辑不够严谨。

综上，这篇作文水平建议19分。