托福TPO34独立写作精致批改

文章来源：张同学

批改：Stanley

 

TPO 34独立写作题目：

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Educating children is a more difficult task today than it was in the past because they spend so much time on cell phone, online games, and social networking Web site.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

 

学生文章批改：

It is universally acknowledged that the development of the Internet and cellphones may have a negative impact on children due to the distraction 【1】from the hard work.【2】Children spend most of their time on surfing the Internet and playing computer games.Conversely,I contend that it is the internet and cellphone that make 【3】the issue of educating children much easier【4】since the resources and knowledge can be easily available to the children【5】. 【6】Children can find what they really want in accordance to their weakness.

 

【1】建议改为they cause when children are doing academic work, which requires 100% attention.

【2】逻辑有点乱，建议改为Although children ... games, I still believe

【3】the education of children

【4】建议在此处加上逗号

【5】建议在此处加上if they were provided with enough access of the Internet.确保逻辑完整。

【6】这句与前文关系不大，建议删去。

 

For one thing,cellphone and Internet is an effective tool for children 【7】searching materials that are not 【8】shown up in books.For instance,【9】literature requires large amount of reading and extensive 【10】knowledge background. Books,obviously,can not 【11】cover up all the contents. 【12】It is on account of the cellphone and Internet that gives children access to them.Therefore,if children spend 【13】much time on cellphone and the Internet,they may 【14】be more efficient to complete their work. 【15】From this point of view,educating children is much easier because they are able to learn things independently. 【16】We don't have to devote as much effort as before to children 's study.

 

【7】to search

【8】found

【9】建议改为getting a full sense of literature

【10】建议改为background knowledge

【11】cover all these information

【12】这句逻辑似乎有点跳跃，为什么书本上没有的，网络上就一定会有？建议改为It is cellphone and Internet, which provide various information about literature, that guarantee children adequate knowledge for their understanding of a literary work.

【13】建议改为some

【14】建议改为they may be more efficient  so that they can complete their academic task as soon as possible.

【15】这句似乎与前面没有直接因果关系，换成递进似乎更好。建议改为：Children also learn how to study independently by searching the information they need on their own, which makes the educating of children more achievable.

【16】建议改为indeed, parents and teachers

 

For another, cellphone and the Internet 【17】helps children receive the answer because of its convenience. 【18】Let us consider finishing a case study. 【19】The most traditional approach to gain knowledge is the library. 【20】For example,you need to search for the background materials. 【21】Besides, you must investigate the related person in the issue. 【22】The most possible consequence is that you are empty-handed after searching the whole library. 【23】Not only involved in the energy,but also a waste of time. 【24】In contrast, cellphone and the Internet can help children find out the accurate information quickly.

 

【17】are exceptionally convenient for children to find out the materials they need.

【18】建议改为Take a research project as an example.

【19】这里有一点逻辑跳跃，建议加上If children want to have a successful research project, they probably may need to search for some statistics, which is an essential part for an excellent research report. Library, the most traditional place to find out statistics, does provide the information children need. However, it takes a lot of time.

【20】At first, children need to find out the right books.

【21】Then, they have to turn to different pages in order to find out the statistical information they need.

【22】建议改为At last, after a whole day’s search, they may find out nothing which is suitable for them.

【23】It is a waste of time as well as energy.

【24】With cellphone and the internet, however, it is only a click of mouse before children find out the statistics they need.

 

However,despite of the advantages of cellphone and the Internet, 【25】we need to pay attention to its drawbacks, such as network violence,games, 【26】damages to 【27】the eyes.【28】Clearing the boundary between them and finding balance is essential.

 

【25】their drawbacks are still needed to be paid attention to,

【26】建议加入and

【27】建议改为eyesight

【28】有点表达不清和中式英语，建议改为Trying to avoid them and striking a balance between the advantages and disadvantages of cellphone and the internet is extremely essential.

 

In short,cellphone and the Internet may have some adverse effects on children. But 【29】there is no account for us to ignore 【30】the benefits of them. 【31】In the general trend,educating children is a easier task as getting a convenient way to search what they want. 【32】Only keep the balance between the merits and demerits can they have a glorious future.

 

【29】建议改为there is no reason

【30】建议改为their benefits

【31】表达有点混乱，建议改为Cellphone and the internet provide children with the information which is not included in the books, with super convenience as the speed of searching is higher than any other approaches.

【32】这句逻辑跳跃太大了，建议改为What we need to do is simply keeping the balance between their merits and demerits.